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Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.”Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.”Help us, help us!” yells the other.”Maybe it would help if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.”Good idea,” said the other.”Together, together!”

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was
entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
             **********************************************

What They Say      What It Means

            ————————————————

spacious   hole in the wall
    to anyone living in their car
    that’s why we’re charging $200 above the
    going rate

easy access to transportation   This can mean:
    (a) in the airport flight path
    (b) next to the railroad tracks
    (c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
    (d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
    (e) all of the above

friendly staff   Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities   That’s the only way we can entice people
    in this dump.
    Would you pay this high rent AND the
    water and garbage?

heated pool   only when the sun’s out
    only when there’s water in it

workout room   four walls, some free weights, a machine
    or two and a clunky stationary bike

great views   reach out and touch your neighbor!
    overlooking the garbage dumpster
    overlooking the pool
    overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable   to:
    (a) anyone with an income of $100 K
    (b) anyone with wealthy parents
    (c) anyone who is wealthy
    (d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

“Please fill out our  ”What?!  You didn’t fill out the annual
 marketing survey.”  income?  We can’t show you anything
    until you fill that out.  You won’t?
     I’m sorry, but we can’t show you anything.”

pets welcome   kids aren’t
    we just never got the odor out

AEK    All Electricity Kancelled
    EEk!

W/D    Will be Disgusted
    Worried/Depressed people

AC    Atrocious Carpeting

WWC    Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!  located in high crime neighborhood
    (Complex insurance does not cover bullet
    holes in car, self-protection devices,
    frequent theft and/or life insurance)

light and airy   built as cheap as we could
    cold and drafty

secure parking   the manager’s apartment overlooks the
    parking lot
    ”No one’s been robbed on the street.”
    covered parking

move in bonus!   no one else wants it
    it hasn’t been rented in six months
    includes last tenant’s stuffed parrot

!!!    desperation is directly linked to the
    number of “!”s used

rustic    classic 60’s decor
    nothing has been fixed since then
    outhouse is in the back
    only one heating vent

Alcove — an alcove apartment is a hybrid floor plan of a one bedroom and an efficiency apartment. Other uses for an alcove are; home office, sitting area, dining room, etc.

Amenities — pool, Jacuzzi, playground, covered parking, BBQ grills, crown moldings, microwave ovens, and generally anything that comes with the apartment without additional costs other than rent.

Balcony -an exterior patio, usually covered, on upper levels of an apartment unit.

Condo — generally in a Condominium project, owners hold title to their units plus a percentage of the entire project in common with all other owners.

Courtyard-a common area between apartment buildings generally with grassy areas with trees & shrubs.

Efficiency — generally small (350 to 450 square feet in size.) The efficiency apartment conjoins the living room and bedroom together and includes a small kitchen, bathroom and closet.

Garden Apartment — Generally one to three floors and access by way of stairs to the upper units. Typically has a larger footprint than a mid or high rise and will include courtyards or grassy areas with trees. Also called a walk-up apartment.

Garden bathtub — an oversized tub that may be oval in shape.

Half bath — a bathroom consisting of a toilet and a sink only. Common installations are within Town Home units on the lower floor.

High Ceilings — generally nine feet and higher. Newer constructed apartments are typically constructed with high ceilings.

High-rise-ten floors or more with elevator service.

Loft — A floor consisting of an open space just below the roof. Usually consisting of an unpartitioned room that overlooks the living room downstairs.

Mid-rise — a four to ten floor building with elevator service. A mid or high rise apartment takes less land to build than a typical three story Garden apartment.

Pet policy — generally owner/manager charges a one time pet deposit of which some may be non-refundable and/or may charge an actual pet fee consisting of an additional monthly fee.

Studio — see efficiency

Senior Housing — an age-restricted apartment community housing with for older adults who are able to care for themselves. Some additional services such as meals or transportation may/may not be provided.

Tax Credit apartments — (LIHTC) Low Income Housing Tax Credit program provides low income housing for section 8 housing voucher holders, or anyone with an (AMFI )Area family median income of less than 60% or some may be 50%.

Town Homes — mostly are regarded as a two story apartment whereby the living room, kitchen and a half bath are down stairs and the bedrooms are upstairs.

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