Apartment Ad Deciphering :-)

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
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What They Say      What It Means

            ————————————————

spacious   hole in the wall
    to anyone living in their car
    that’s why we’re charging $200 above the
    going rate

easy access to transportation   This can mean:
    (a) in the airport flight path
    (b) next to the railroad tracks
    (c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
    (d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
    (e) all of the above

friendly staff   Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities   That’s the only way we can entice people
    in this dump.
    Would you pay this high rent AND the
    water and garbage?

heated pool   only when the sun’s out
    only when there’s water in it

workout room   four walls, some free weights, a machine
    or two and a clunky stationary bike

great views   reach out and touch your neighbor!
    overlooking the garbage dumpster
    overlooking the pool
    overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable   to:
    (a) anyone with an income of $100 K
    (b) anyone with wealthy parents
    (c) anyone who is wealthy
    (d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

“Please fill out our  ”What?!  You didn’t fill out the annual
 marketing survey.”  income?  We can’t show you anything
    until you fill that out.  You won’t?
     I’m sorry, but we can’t show you anything.”

pets welcome   kids aren’t
    we just never got the odor out

AEK    All Electricity Kancelled
    EEk!

W/D    Will be Disgusted
    Worried/Depressed people

AC    Atrocious Carpeting

WWC    Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!  located in high crime neighborhood
    (Complex insurance does not cover bullet
    holes in car, self-protection devices,
    frequent theft and/or life insurance)

light and airy   built as cheap as we could
    cold and drafty

secure parking   the manager’s apartment overlooks the
    parking lot
    ”No one’s been robbed on the street.”
    covered parking

move in bonus!   no one else wants it
    it hasn’t been rented in six months
    includes last tenant’s stuffed parrot

!!!    desperation is directly linked to the
    number of “!”s used

rustic    classic 60’s decor
    nothing has been fixed since then
    outhouse is in the back
    only one heating vent